Hey everyone! I’m Dan and I’m the opinionated member of Juggernaut Productions. Many of you will disagree with how I feel but I hope my posts will help those who feel they need to pretend they like certain films, just because everyone else does, stand up and say “This film sucks!”
Luckily for you people I’m going to review one ‘Movie’ and one ‘Film’. I’m sure you will know the difference. The ‘Movie’ is Dark Shadows and the ‘Film’ is Moon. Dark Shadows will have a full review whereas Moon will have a short one cos I don’t have much to say about it.
WARNING THIS BLOG MAY CONTAIN CENSORED SWEARING AND MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
Johnny Depp – Barnabas Collins
Michelle Pfeiffer – Elizabeth Stoddard
Helena Bonham Carter – Dr. Julia Hoffman
Eva Green – Angelique Bouchard
Jonny Lee Miller – Roger Collins
Bella Heathcote – Victoria Winters / Josette DuPres
Chloe Grace Moretz – Carolyn Stoddard
Gulliver McGrath – David Collins
Dark Shadows is about a vampire who has been buried for 200 years and returns to find the witch that cursed him and killed his wife is still alive and has destroyed his family business with her own. So he tries to help the family kickstart their company and save the ‘Collins’ family name. Also it’s set in the ’70’s but it’s got f**k all to do with the story. It’s just set then……….. cos the TV show was? It was a TV show? Oh, let’s just move on.
So I’m not going to go through the film because it sucked (HA! That vampire joke is better than any joke in the film!). Instead I will sum up each character arc and the problems with them.
Johnny Depp. Too much make-up, completely unbelievable that anyone would think he was ‘normal”, he doesn’t even have proper hands! His nails grow out like an animals but no-one even references it. He looks ridiculous, he looks like a cartoon vampire, which is fine, if the film is a comedy. Which it’s not. Cos there’s no jokes. His accent is fine but it’s typical Burton/Depp, it’s nothing special, it’s just…. bleurgh. Boring. It’s been done. His character is cursed and his wife, Josette, is killed by a witch, Angelique, after she refused to sleep with him anymore….. Anyway, he is then buried by her for 200 years. Builders uncover him and he kills them all because he is thirsty. He returns back to his house and uses hidden treasure to pay off the family debts and restart the business. At the same time, he falls in love with Victoria because she looks like Josette…WAIT BACK IT UP… he falls in love with her because she looks like his dead wife? Who died 200 years ago? But they only have like three scenes together and have about 20 words of dialogue before he confesses his love…… Yes. Not very good writing. But more of that later.
Michelle Pfeiffer is fine. She looks strange but it’s either too much colour correction or poor lighting, you can call it style but s**t’s s**t in my book. She gives an ok performance but that’s all.
Helena Bonham Carter is there because she needs to be. She plays David’s doctor and yet never has a scene with him where she treats him or even asks him a question so there is no point to her character. At one point, Michelle Pfeiffer says “She was supposed to be here a month, that was three years ago”….. WAIT BACK UP…. I thought this family had no money? So how the f**k can they afford to pay this woman to live in their house for 3 f*****g years and yet she seems to do no work?!? Later she tries to help Barnabas become human by swapping blood, during a conversation, she asks if Barnabas has “heard of Doctor/Patient confidentiality?” Barnabas says “No” and then she blows him….. WAIT BACK UP…. He said no. Not yes. No. So to stop him walking upstairs and shouting “Guess who just blew me?”, you have to have her explain confidentiality. I’m sure it was filmed and then cut for time but it’s just totally out of the blue and makes absolutely no sense.
Eva Green plays Angelique the witch. She is an English actress playing an American, badly. She’s a good actress but she’s s**t in this cos she’s been made to ham it up by the script or the director or someone and it just doesn’t work. Just hire an American to play the role and maybe the voice wouldn’t be so ridiculous.
Jonny Lee Miller plays David’s dad. We never see the pair talk but we are lead to believe he only cares about money and having sex with random women. I think we only had two scenes to establish this, so it totally doesn’t work. We have no idea where his wife is, why he lives here with his sister or does she live with him? Why does he not like David? Why is he obsessed with money but doesn’t want to help the family business to make money so he could have… (TRUMPET PLAYS)…. money! Use your Goddamn brain! Totally ridiculous unrequired character. Added nothing except that he upsets David by leaving an hour into the movie.
Bella Heathcote. Never seen her before except for Neighbours. Played the small ‘means to an end’ role. Given little acting to do but what she did was fine. Not much to say about her.
Chloe GRACE Moretz, don’t you f*****g dare leave out the Grace, plays a 15 year old. She is made to act like ’70’s slut, dancing around in just a dress and posing seductively. SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE F*****G 15!!!!! You don’t do that. You just don’t f*****g do that. It’s disgusting. It’s disrespectful and it’s f*****g illegal! Get your s**t straight Tim Burton! You DO NOT film a 15 year old like she’s a porn star! F*****G OUTRAGEOUS! Plus she’s a not a very good actor in this. She’s better in other things.
Gulliver McGrath is fine. He does what he needs to do when it comes to acting but his character is silly. He can see the dead ghost of his mother and that only seems to be there so she can appear at the end and kill Eva Green. YAY!
I like Tim Burton, I have time for him, but his films are real hit and miss. I hate Alice in Wonderland but love Batman. I hate Big Fish but love Sleepy Hollow. I think he needs a good script to work with.
I think John August is bad for Tim. He’s written nearly all of Tim’s worst films. Seth Graeme-Smith is a good writer, I love Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, but this was crap so maybe Beetlejuice 2 will be better…….
I want to go a different route with a rating system. I’m going to use colours of the rainbow. Dark Red will be the best film ever and Light Purple the worst.
I give Dark Shadows, LIGHT BLUE, it would be in my ten worst films of 2012. Near the top.
As for Moon, first time I saw it, it was boring. Second time I saw it, it was even more boring. I love GERTY, I love robots with an attitude so he redeems it but not very much. Please if you don’t like Moon, just say it. People have a go at me for saying I don’t like Moon but when I ask them why did you like it? They stutter because you can’t nail some specific scene or a line of dialogue or one particular character. If you do like it, that’s fine, I don’t care whether you do or not, but please don’t force your opinions on others. Let my people go!
I give Moon, LIGHT BLUE, just f*****g boring, man.